"In Heaven an angel is nobody in particular."
-- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
"No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible."
-- Stanislaw J. Lec
To be humble to superiors is duty, to equals courtesy, to inferiors nobleness." 
-- Benjamin Franklin 
"Once the game is over, the king and the pawn go back into the same box." 
-- Italian Proverb 
A man's very highest moment is, I have no doubt at all, when he kneels in the dust, and beats his breast, and tells all the sins of his life. 
-- Oscar Wilde 
People do not seem to realize that their opinion of the world is also a confession of character. 
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson 
Alright, who do I complain to? Some guy sold me a ticket for a tour of the 'Cave at Emptor,' but it turns out there's no such place!
-- Brad Hamer 
"The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs... There's also a negative side." 
-- Hunter S. Thompson
There's nothing wrong with me; therefore, there must be something wrong with the universe.

The squeaky wheel doesn't always get greased; sometimes it gets replaced. 
-- John Peers 
Dignity does not consist in possessing honors, but in deserving them. 
-- Aristotle 
I’m becoming increasingly anti-sport. I think sport is encouraged by governments to channel what would be male revolutionary energy into totally pointless activities. Sport is a great technique of social control. I always watch the Olympics, mind you.
-- Brian Eno
For quality entertainment, you can't beat TV commercials for large investment institutions. They all have the same message, which is: 'These are scary times for investors, so GIVE US YOUR MONEY! You can trust us, because we have a large building.' 
-- Dave Barry
"The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat."
-- Lily Tomlin
Superstition is to religion what astrology is to astronomy; the mad daughter of a wise mother.
-- Voltaire
"Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment."
-- Barry LePatner
My son, observe the postage stamp! Its usefulness depends upon its ability to stick to one thing until it gets there.
-- Josh Billings (1818 - 1885) 
Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt of, not swallowed.
-- Josh Billings 
One of the greatest victories you can gain over someone is to beat him at politeness.
-- Josh Billings 
Silence is one of the hardest arguments to refute.
-- Josh Billings 
The best way to convince a fool that he is wrong is to let him have his own way.
-- Josh Billings 
The time to pray is not when we are in a tight spot but just as soon as we get out of it.
-- Josh Billings 
There is no revenge so complete as forgiveness.
-- Josh Billings 
Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius.
-- Josh Billings (1818 - 1885) 
No one can disgrace us but ourselves.
-- Josh Billings (1818 - 1885) 
There are people who are always anticipating trouble, and in this way they manage to enjoy many sorrows that never really happen to them.
-- Josh Billings (1818 - 1885) 
As scarce as truth is, the supply has always been in excess of the demand.
-- Josh Billings (1818 - 1885) 
One of rarest things that a man ever does is to do the best he can.
-- Josh Billings (1818 - 1885) 
Good judgment comes from experience, and often experience comes from bad judgment.
-- Rita Mae Brown 




My girlfriend is weird. She asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, then forget it.' 
-- Steven Wright 
For safety's sake, I try not to go to the ATM at night. I also try not to go with my four-year-old, who screams, 'We got money! We got money!' 
-- Paul Clay 
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day, because that means it's going to be up all night. 
-- Steven Wright 
You should use a comma whenever you have a need to pause in a sentence. EXAMPLE: 'So me and Tiffany were at the mall and she ate like four of those big fudge squares which is why her butt is the size of a Volkswagen Jetta I don't know WHAT Jason sees in, wait a minute I'm getting another call.'
-- Dave Barry
People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs. 
-- Alexei Sayle
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.
-- Unknown
According to 'Men's Health' magazine, the average man has had sex in a car 15 times. That's something to keep in mind next time you're looking for a used car.
-= Jay Leno
According to a new study, college tuition for a baby born today will cost $36,000 a year. That's crazy, isn't it? Why would anyone send a baby to college?
-- Jay Leno
Two paths diverged in the woods, and I took the one less traveled. Now, I'm eating bugs and berries, and if the Park Ranger doesn't find me soon, I'm a dead man.
-- Jim Rosenberg
I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance... she leaned over and pushed me.
-- Unknown
Enjoy sex? Like to travel? Take a fucking hike!

Every day, the hummingbird eats its own weight in food. You may wonder how it weighs the food. It doesn't. It just eats another hummingbird.

short meaning_of_life() { return 42; }

All I want is a warm bed, a kind word and unlimited power.

Intel: Redefining the PC -- and Math as well

God created anchovies.  Satan put them on pizza...

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again. 

Some people hear voices in their heads. Me, I hear a piano.  Not so bad, you think?    Let me tell you about "Chopsticks Week..." 
-- Dan Thompson
The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the United States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the 9 millimeter bullet.
-- Dave Barry 
What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?
--Marilyn Pittman
You can learn a lot about a person if you just take the time to inject them with sodium pentathol.
-- unknown
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
-- Groucho Marx
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
-- Groucho Marx
"Drawing on my fine command of the language, I said nothing."
-- Robert Benchley